All posts in note to self

04Dec

note: sloppy seconds

In blog, note to self by b murf / December 4, 2008 / 3 Comments

(courtesy photo)

National coverage is currently fixated on all things Plaxico Burress – did he really use the Ron Mexico-style alias “Harris Smith” after accidentally shooting himself while at a nightclub? Did teammate Antonio Pierce try to help cover the whole thing up? Did Burress rob his New York Giants teammate Steve Smith at gunpoint? (Okay, maybe I got that headline confused, but you get the point).

At any rate, there’s not much chance any of the major sports networks or outlets have had time for anything other than all-Burress all the time, which is really too bad, because the rest of the nation is missing a really juicy story coming out of the National Hockey League.

Dallas Stars forward Sean Avery created a nice little controversy this week thanks to his not-so-subtle comments made during a morning practice session before the team’s game against the Calgary Flames.

“I’m just going to say one thing,” Avery started. “I’m really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada. I just wanted to comment on how, it’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what that’s about, but enjoy the game tonight.”

For those not familiar, Avery was referring to Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf, who is dating Avery’s ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert, of 24 and The Girl Next Door fame. In response to his comments, the NHL suspended Avery indefinitely for “conduct detrimental to the league or game of hockey.”

A 2007 poll of 283 NHL players found out that Sean Avery was easily the most hated player in the league, earning more than 66 percent of the votes. He’s been accused of making racial slurs against opponents, accused of making fun of a hockey player diagnosed with leukemia and is generally viewed as an asshole in and around league circles.

He’s also the guy who last season was standing in front of New Jersey Devils goalie Martin Brodeur waving his hands and stick around like a jackass – prompting the league to create the “Sean Avery Rule” the very next day, a rule that cracks down harder on unsportsmanlike conduct (specifically, waving your hands and stick in a goalie’s face like a jackass). So needless to say, he’s not going to ever be considered the teacher’s pet with the league office.

But here’s the thing – the NHL completely dropped the ball on this one.

Click here for the full article.

Note to self is a weekly sports column written for HoboTrashcan.

19Nov

note: hungry like the wolf

In blog, note to self by b murf / November 19, 2008 / No Comments

(courtesy photo)

Let’s just go ahead and admit it now – we live in a world that just doesn’t make sense anymore.

Not sure what we’re talking about? Just take a quick peak at your sports page and scan the headlines.

For starters, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, who has played in 128 games during his 10-year career, didn’t know that pro football games could end in a tie.

In his post-game press conference after the Eagles tied the Cincinnati Bengals 13-13 Sunday, McNabb said he thought there would be a second overtime if the score was still tied after one extra session.

“I’ve never been part of a tie,” McNabb said. “I never even knew it was in the rule book. I was looking forward to getting the opportunity to get out there and try to drive to win the game. But unfortunately with the rules, we settled with a tie.”

This is where we point out that the last tie in the National Football League was in 2002, when the Pittsburgh Steelers tied the Atlanta Falcons 34-34, Nov. 10. We’ll give McNabb a pass for not knowing the Steelers played to a tie that day – even though both teams reside in Pennsylvania – because he was busy getting beat down by the Indianapolis Colts. But the Eagles actually played Atlanta in the playoffs that season, which means for an entire week McNabb’s focus was on all things Falcons related. When Atlanta came to town with a 9-6-1 regular season record don’t you think McNabb might have thought “Hmmm … what’s that number in the third column?”

If you’re an Eagles fan (always know for their rational thoughts and calm demeanor), then you’ve got to be saying, “Are you kidding me?” Management should march down to the locker room immediately and ask backup quarterback Kevin Kolb, “Do you know the basic rules of professional football?” If the answer is yes, then he’s now the starter in Philly. It’s that simple. It’s inexcusable for a supposed team leader with a decade of experience to not know Football 101.

And if the rumors are true that head coach Andy Reid didn’t know that ties exist in pro football either (which would explain his team’s decision to punt three times in overtime), then he’s got to go too. Turn the team over to Jim Johnson, the defensive coordinator, and send “Cheesesteak Andy” home to deal with his troubled family. We know that Philly is still hung over from winning their first championship in decades, but this is an embarrassment that should be taken seriously. You were willing to take action against Santa Claus. Now do the right thing and turn your attention to McNabb.

But that’s not the only craziness taking over the world of sports. Did you see the story about the 16-year-old girl who was drafted to play professional baseball in Japan?

Eri Yoshida, a 5-foot, 114-pound knuckleball pitcher, was selected by Kobe 9 Cruise in the Japanese League. Like a crap-tastic episode of 90210 or some terrible Disney movie, she’ll go from high school to the big leagues. Seriously. We’re not making this up.

Outside of the Olympics, the only time we’ve ever watched anything close to women playing professional sports was the movie “A League of their Own.” And let’s be honest – Madonna and Rosie O’Donnell were prominently involved, so that’s not exactly putting your best foot forward.

We’re heading dangerously close to “male cheerleader” territory here, which is never good. Let’s just go ahead and admit it now – this is a publicity stunt gone horribly wrong. The first time an opposing batter sends a line drive back up the middle it could very well kill the poor girl. Send her back to gym class while she’s still healthy and innocent and fire whoever thought it was a good idea to bring a “Sweet 16” into a clubhouse.

But the biggest news of the week is Brock Lesnar defeating Randy Couture to capture the heavyweight title at UFC 91. Forget that Lesnar, in just his fourth professional fight, was able to dethrone one of the most respected and established fighters in all of mixed martial arts. The fact is, a professional wrestler just won a real fight. Brock went from collecting a paycheck in the scripted World Wrestling Entertainment to knocking out the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

That’s roughly equivalent to the HoboTrashcan staff getting together for a night out on the town, when a drunken Ned Bitters (redundant, we know) decides to sign us up to play some Rock Band 2 at the bar. Courtney Enlow is singing lead, I’m playing lead guitar, Hobo Stu’s on the bass and Bitters is on the drums rocking out to “Hungry Like The Wolf” and next thing you know, we get signed by some big record label and ultimately win a Grammy.

Or how about this – after successfully guiding his fantasy football team, the Part-Time Models, to an improbable league championship, my brother is hired by the Detroit Lions to become their next general manager. After all, he’s already more qualified than former GM Matt Millen. His team won something.

Bottom line: stuff like this just isn’t supposed to happen. Vince McMahon and friends are in the business of entertaining, not actually bringing something real and tangible to the table. What’s next? Will Jerry “The King” Lawler actually become royalty? Will The Undertaker get a job at Arlington National Cemetery? Will Isaak Yankem become a legitimate dentist? Where does it end?

Note to self is a weekly sports column written for HoboTrashcan.

13Nov

note: fan friendly

In blog, football, note to self by b murf / November 13, 2008 / No Comments

(photo by Brian Murphy)

As soon as the presidential election was over and Barack Obama’s job titled was officially updated to “president-elect,” there was a sense of imminent change on the horizon. It’s almost as if the entire world decided that things would magically change over night and all the country’s problems would be solved, even though the man won’t even take office until Jan. 20.

While it’s true that we needed change and better days could very well be ahead, that doesn’t mean we’re not going to have to deal with some of the lingering issues and challenges such as the economy, the job market and the war in Iraq before we get there. So what does this have to do with sports? I’m glad you asked.

If your hours are being cut down at work, then you’re going to have less expendable income for frivolous purchases such as tickets to sporting events. Spending money on Mets tickets over paying your mortgage simply isn’t an option.

Even in the sports world, where average players are still multi-millionaires, times are tough. Sure, folks are happy when their favorite team lands a top-tier free agent, but someone’s still got to pay that annual salary. And if a team is shelling out hundreds of millions of dollars for a perennial loser … well, then things get dicey if the fans stop showing up. There might be a paragraph at the bottom of a daily story reporting that a dozen staff members from the ticket office were let go due to cost cutting or maybe the team lowers the prices for nose-bleed seats in hopes of making family night at the ballpark a viable option again. The bottom line is the world of sports is affected just like everyone, which makes the story coming out of New Jersey all the more interesting.

The Nets announced this week that they are providing 1,500 free tickets over the next two months to unemployed fans who submit resumes to the team. Once they receive the resumes, the NBA team plans to send them to its 120 corporate sponsors and a couple hundred firms that own season tickets. Some teams give out rally towels or bobbleheads, but the Nets are simply giving fans hope.

“Our belief right now is let’s invest in people who might invest in us later,” said Brett Yormark, the team’s chief executive. “In doing so, we can help people who need it most.”

Even the players are on board with the innovative program.

“I think it’s great,” said Nets forward Jarvis Hayes, who will make $1.9 million this season. “Everybody knows the economy is struggling right now and if people can turn in their resumes to our sponsors and get jobs, I think it is wonderful. Hopefully, when the economy turns around we’ll have more fans.”

That got me thinking. What if other teams got in on the act? Who needs a set of thundersticks (the answer: morons) when a team could actually give something useful? And if the team adds a personal touch and uses their resources to come up with something special, even better.

Take the New York Yankees. Everyone knows by now about third baseman Alex Rodriguez and singer/slut Madonna hooking up this past season. Well, why can’t the Bronx Bombers use this to their advantage and offer season ticket holders marriage counseling? The sheer thought that a fan might be seated next to A-Rod or even Guy Ritchie during one of the sessions would be enough to add 20,000 names to your season ticket list for the new ballpark.

You’ve heard of “shirt off your back night?” Well, what if the San Francisco 49ers offered “pants off our coach night?” Mike Singletary has trouble keeping his clothes on during his halftime speeches, so why shouldn’t the team find a way to turn a negative into a positive?

Or the Buffalo Bills and Oakland Raiders could team up to offer “bring your grandpa to work day.” Watching senile owners Ralph Wilson and Al Davis wander around the sidelines aimlessly in their robes is the pure definition of “must-see TV.”

Or USC could formally extend the program that pays college kids to be a Trojan. Instead of just limiting the under-the-table deals to the Reggie Bushs of the world, let’s open it up to the entire student body. Tell me that wouldn’t pack the house. Prospective students would be lining up for days for a chance to be the next Trojan Man.

Tell me that if the Cincinnati Bengals offered “babysit a player night” that the fine folks of Ohio wouldn’t jump at the chance to take an offensive lineman to visit his parole officer. And while we’re at it, the Cleveland Browns could offer to spay and neuter pets, since the Dawg Pound hasn’t had a potent attack in decades.

Earlier this season, the Dallas Cowboys gave 15,000 lucky fans a mini football. Unfortunately, this upset wide receiver Terrell Owens because he didn’t get enough footballs, so they scrapped the idea. Next time, the team could offer a session with a financial advisor instead. That way, fans can learn to live on a budget and maybe – just maybe – Jerry Jones can learn to be fiscally responsible and not spend $150 million on a mediocre ballclub.

And finally, the Washington Redskins began offering an innovative idea – giving away stock to Six Flags at home games (which helps keep the Steelers fans away from FedEx Field). While that’s great, the big announcement this week is the amusement park’s new attraction. Starting this weekend, Daniel Snyder’s company now offers “Dancing with a Star,” where regular fans can spend a song with defensive end Jason Taylor. Okay, so that’s not true. But they should strongly consider it, if for no other reason than to finally get some form of production from the injured diva before the football season ends.

Note to self is a weekly sports column written for HoboTrashcan.

30Oct

note: no we can’t

In blog, football, note to self by b murf / October 30, 2008 / 2 Comments

(courtesy photos)

I know we’re less than a week away from officially replacing George W. Bush, and that news alone is enough to give folks reason to smile during these not-so-rosy days, but there’s something I feel obligated to remind people.

Your vote doesn’t count. I’m sorry to break it to you, but that’s just the way it is.

Sure, all these college kids are excited to “make a difference” for the first time in their life and are happily forwarding emails claiming that in 1824 some guy won some election by one vote. Yeah, that’s all nonsense. Your vote means as much as one diet pill being shoved down the gullet of our overly obese society.

“Um … why doesn’t our vote matter?” asked the pimply-faced college kid going door to door in my neighborhood last week.

“Because the results will already be determined by the time Tuesday morning rolls around,” I tried to explain to the obviously confused poor soul who could do nothing but give me a blank stare for my troubles.

The Washington Redskins have determined who will win every presidential election since 1936. Well, except four years ago, but we’ll get to that in a moment. Not counting 2004, the Redskins have correctly predicted who would win 15 straight presidential elections. If the ‘Skins win their last home game before the election, then the incumbent party remains in office. If they lose, then the incumbent party loses. It’s really that simply.

You don’t need to go stand in line for hours just to pull some lever for some guy you really hope might reside in the White House over the next four years. No, just tune in Monday night when the Pittsburgh Steelers come to town to take on the Redskins. If the Steelers win, Barack Obama wins. If the ‘Skins win, it’s John McCain-Sarah Palin time.

So I know you’re wondering – what happened four years ago? How did a tried and true formula go wrong? That’s why I’m here for you. Gather ‘round for story time.

The Washington Redskins hosted the Green Bay Packers at FedEx Field Sunday, Oct. 31, 2004. It was an evenly-matched battle between two middle-of-the-pack NFC teams. Here’s the lede from Associated Press article on the game:

Clinton Portis celebrated the apparent winning touchdown with a leap into the end zone, capping a 43-yard reception that gave the Redskins a one-point lead with 2:35 to play.

Oops. Scratch that. Flag on the play.

Receiver James Thrash was whistled for illegal motion, a call Thrash didn’t understand and one that Washington coach Joe Gibbs called “an absolute mystery.”

On the very next play, Packers cornerback Al Harris intercepted Redskins quarterback Mark Brunell and Green Bay won. But here’s the story within the story – referee Tom White and his crew had clearly had enough after four years of George W., and tried to take matters into their own hands. Even though there was no penalty on the play, in their minds they needed to take action to ensure “the Bush stopped here.”

There’s just one problem – the football gods would never sit idle while cheaters prosper. So Bush was re-elected and we’ve been treated to more war, more embarrassment and another depression. Thank you Tom White, you dickhole.

One good thing did come out of this though – the football gods officially decided it was time to take back the game once and for all, which is why, in 2006, they sent us a Terminator by the name of Roger Goodell. Since he’s settled into the role of NFL commissioner, Goodell has ruled with a much-needed iron first. Where Paul Tagliabue was content to let teams like the Dallas Cowboys and Cincinnati Bengals collect thugs, assholes and convicts, Goodell is the man willing to hold both the teams and the players accountable for stupid actions.

Throw out a couple heavy fines and suspensions around and suddenly the divas and drama queens think twice before driving drunk or slapping their girlfriends around. Look at just last week – the Steelers took it upon themselves to bench wide out Santonio Holmes because he was caught driving around town with weed out in the open. In Cleveland, the Browns took action against tight end Kellen Winslow II and benched him after making critical comments about the organization to the media. In Kansas City, the Chiefs sat running back Larry Johnson after word got out that he assaulted a woman in a nightclub.

Do you realize how long overdue this was? I mean, Michael Irvin stabbed a teammate in the neck with a pair of scissors because he wanted to get his hair cut faster. Needless to say, the Dallas Cowboys of the 90’s couldn’t have even fielded a team under Goodell. Now, owner Jerry Jones can collect parolees like “Pacman” Jones, Tank Johnson and friends, but both the team and the players have been told, in no uncertain terms, if anyone screws up, then everyone pays.

Which brings us back to the election. Everyone has paid for four brutal years. It’s time for a fresh start, one way or the other. So the football gods will once again let the Washington Redskins determine who wins the White House. Let’s just hope the mere mortals involved with the game don’t do anything else to upset them.

Note to self is a weekly sports column written for HoboTrashcan.

02Oct

note: music city miracle 2

In blog, note to self by b murf / October 2, 2008 / No Comments

Things couldn’t be better for fans of the Tennessee Titans or Buffalo Bills these days, with both franchises playing great football and off to a 4-0 start. Coming into the season, most people would have predicted the New England Patriots, Indianapolis Colts or Dallas Cowboys to get off to such a fast start, but these two smaller market teams are the ones standing out a month into the season.

The Titans franchise has been around for nearly 50 years, and yet, this is the first time they’ve ever starts a campaign 4-0. What’s more impressive is that they’re doing it without the face of the franchise, quarterback Vince Young, who at last account was, at best, going through some personal issues and at worst, considering retirement at 25 or contemplating suicide.

With Young faltering, Kerry Collins followed the lead of his “brother from another mother” Redskins quarterback “The Tasty Drink” Todd Collins, transforming from backup to big shot seemingly overnight. Collins came in for an injured Young in week one and has the Titans offense playing with a swagger that’s been lacking since Steve McNair left town.

A rookie running back named Chris Johnson, out of East Carolina University, is staking an early claim for rookie of the year honors, racking up 337 yards and two touchdowns in four games. More importantly, Johnson is throwing the Titans a lifeline for drafting LenDale White, an overweight running back out of USC who is only averaging 2.7 yards per carry, but is flourishing as a goal line back with five touchdowns now that his role has been reduced.

The absolute hallmark of this is that the Titans defense is the nastiest defense in the NFL. They’re not just winning games, they’re beating opponents into submission – giving up a league-best 11.5 points per game and are tied with the Washington Redskins at plus six in turnovers.

But most importantly, they’re leading the AFC South and the Colts are not. Peyton Manning and friends had led the division for 56 consecutive weeks before their season opening loss. Now, the Titans hold a two game lead over Jacksonville and a three game lead over the Colts. As long as this defense is playing smash-mouth football and the offense is taking what their opponents give them, there’s no reason to think that the Titans won’t continue to roll.

As for the Bills, they, even more so than the Titans, are the feel-good story of the 2008 season. Mainly because they’re run by an inept owner, Ralph Wilson, who at 89 should be sitting around in his boxers doing the crossword puzzle and eating tapioca pudding instead of trying to run an NFL franchise.

Click here for the full article.

(courtesy photo)

Note to self is a weekly sports column written for HoboTrashcan.

25Sep

note: more than a contender

In blog, note to self by b murf / September 25, 2008 / No Comments

The New York Yankees said goodbye to hallowed Yankees Stadium by missing the playoffs for the first time in what seems like decades. The Tampa Bay [Don’t Call Me Devil] Rays are in the postseason for seemingly the first time ever. I’m not even allowed to mention the Chicago Cubs because one word and they might realize they haven’t collapsed yet.

In football, the mighty, mighty New England Patriots got waxed by the Miami Dolphins, who have been the league’s doormat the last two years, thanks to a gimmick offense that thoroughly confused the Pats and their supposedly genius head coach. Powerhouses like the Indianapolis Colts, the Jacksonville Jaguars, the Pittsburgh Steelers and the San Diego Chargers all look very flawed and beatable. Ohio and Missouri residents are on death watch after the St. Louis Rams, Kansas City Chiefs, Cincinnati Bengals and the Cleveland Browns are a combined 0-12.

So what do I want to focus my column on this week? A reality TV show, of course.

Country Music Television, the channel that brought you My Big Redneck Wedding, strikes again, this time with a can’t miss hit called Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling set to debut Oct. 18.

The premise is fairly simple – take famous people and attempt to turn them into professional wrestlers. If Ric Flair can wrestle at the age of 917, then surely whoever Hollywood picks off the boulevard can at least fill his shoes, right? I mean, everyone knows wrestling is fake and the matches are predetermined, so why even tune in?

Here’s why – while companies like World Wrestling Entertainment do, in fact, script whether Triple H gets to keep the belt when he goes up against John Cena at Wrestlemania, they still have to get in the ring and put on a show. Wrestlers might learn how to fall in a way to absorb the impact and minimize damage, but last time I checked falling on your head still hurts. Getting powerbombed through a table still leaves a mark. And just ask me brother what it feels like to get hit upside the head with a chair. Lord knows the poor bastard should have brain damage the way I used to torture him growing up.

Click here for full article.

(courtesy photo)

Note to self is a weekly sports column written for HoboTrashcan.

18Sep

note: not reggie

In blog, football, note to self by b murf / September 18, 2008 / No Comments

(photo by Brian Murphy)

As I stood on the sidelines watching New Orleans “running back” Reggie Bush taunt a rookie punter during his return for a touchdown this past weekend, I almost felt bad for the guy.

Here’s an athlete who was seemingly on top of the world when he elected to forgo his senior season at USC. He was a Heisman Trophy winner and the biggest name on the biggest program in college football, and yet, today he’s forced to grand-stand and pose for personal accomplishments while playing on a winless underachiever.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. At least, that’s what the overall consensus was when the 2006 NFL Draft rolled around and everyone just knew the Houston Texans were going to select Bush with the top pick. Sure, there were some rumblings that Bush and his family might have accepted gifts, cash and other illegal benefits, but so did Shaquille O’Neal, and he went on to become one of the greatest of all time. If Bush went on to accomplish half of what Shaq did, then it would have been a wise investment.

But a funny thing happened along the way – Texans general manager Charlie Casserly met with Bush and decided it was best for his franchise to go another direction. He never said why, but some suggested it was because of the salary demands by Bush and his representatives or possibly even character issues. While no one knows Casserly’s reasoning for sure, the Texans passed on Bush and selected North Carolina State defensive end Mario Williams. Bush went second to the Saints.

From there, things went from bad to worse for the Texans – with Casserly being crucified for the pick and Williams seemingly blamed for events that were out of his control, simply being drafted ahead of “Saint Reggie.” Some morons even suggested the move was one of the biggest blunders in the history of the NFL Draft.

And while Williams has gone on to have a solid career, Casserly is no longer with the Texans. He resigned as general manager and now does work as a television analyst, with the “blunder” tag still hanging over his head, even if history shows that wasn’t really the case.

Click here for the full article.

Note to self is a weekly sports column written for HoboTrashcan.