All posts in note to self


note: the tie that bonds

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Last week, in what was a surprise to absolutely no one, the National Football League reinstated Dallas Cowboys cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones, meaning he’ll be able to suit up for his team’s season opener against the Cleveland Browns this weekend.

And where was Mr. Pacman when commissioner Roger Goodell sent word that he was being granted yet another lifeline? At Hooters, of course. Sadly, this is probably an upgrade for a guy who likes to “make it rain” in the stripclub.

The news of Jones’ fifth or sixth “second chance” got me thinking – if someone who has done next to nothing on the field is warranted this many “do-overs,” then why exactly has all of professional baseball conspired to blackball Barry Bonds? Rhetorically I ask – do we really live in a world where athletes are given a free pass for their off-the-field transgressions as long as they deliver on Sundays? And if so, how can anyone justify slamming the door on Bonds, a guy who doesn’t have a rap sheet twice the size of his stat sheet?

The negatives against Bonds are well known – he’s a diva. He’s moody (okay, he’s an asshole). Oh, and there’s that whole steroids cloud hovering over his head. But the way I look at it, if Pacman Jones warrants multiple chances with a resume nowhere near what Bonds’ has brought to the table (he is, after all, the all-time home run king), then why can’t some team rent Bonds for the stretch run to the playoffs?

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Note to self is a weekly sports column written for HoboTrashcan.


why your team won’t win the super bowl

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time again. With the preseason nearly complete, it’s time for the fifth annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. Book a flight to Las Vegas immediately and bet the farm – this is why your favorite football franchise won’t get it done this year.

Arizona Cardinals – Matt Leinart can’t beat out Kurt Warner. Kurt Warner can’t beat anyone but Matt Leinart.

Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons named rookie quarterback Matt Ryan their starter, guaranteeing no more than five wins in 2008. Sadly, that would be an improvement over last year’s four-win effort. I’d say more, but I don’t want to sound like I’m picking on the autistic kid.

Baltimore Ravens – Is Kyle Boller still on the Ravens? Nuff’ said.

Buffalo Bills – Oh how tortured Bills fans long for the days of choking in the Super Bowl. Buffalo is going to be so disappointing this season that they’re openly trying to deport themselves to Canada.

Carolina Panthers – Nevermind wide out Steve Smith sucker-punching teammates during practice – how do you expect me to take your franchise seriously when you draft Jon Stewart to play running back?

Chicago Bears – Talk to me when Devin Hester learns to play quarterback too.

Cincinnati Bengals – Other than collect convicted felons, what exactly have the Cincinnati Bengals done well since head coach Marvin Lewis came to town?

Cleveland Browns – Because they’re the Browns.

Dallas Cowboys – Terrell Owens. Pacman Jones. Tank Johnson. It’s nothing short of hysterical that on a team full of assholes and screw-ups the biggest name keeping them from winning a playoff game is Jessica Simpson.

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note: army fumbles again

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Someone in the Pentagon owes a thank you note to Ted Thompson and the Green Bay Packers.

While the biggest story of the weekend revolved around the Wisconsin-based soap opera As the Favre Turns, the U.S. Army was quietly trying to sweep a public relations mess under the rug after once again mishandling a story involving the National Football League.

That’s because, on the eve of training camp, the powers that be in the Department of the Army decided to call an audible and force rookie safety Caleb Campbell, who was drafted by the Detroit Lions in the seventh round of the NFL draft, to head for the showers so that his alter ego, 2nd Lt. Caleb Campbell, could returned back to West Point immediately for duty.

Surely, there was an explanation, right? No one would object if it turned out that Campbell was in a high-demand branch the Army was understaffed in and was needed immediately to deploy in support of the Global War on Terrorism. Football is supremely popular in our culture, but not to the point that anyone expects troops to be picked off the battle lines in favor of playing special teams and garbage time for a perennial loser in Detroit. All it would take is one high-ranking officer standing in front of a podium explaining that this was the case and no one would have thought twice about it.

But much like the Pat Tillman nightmare, the Army assessed the situation, figured out the worst possible way it could play out and then called that play.

Click here for the full article.


note: the next big thing

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Lately, I’ve been hearing grumblings from a lot of restless sports fans because they feel there’s nothing worth tuning in for during these dog days of summer. Football training camps are still a month away, most NBA and NHL teams have no money or no interest in the free agents available and even Tiger Woods can’t be bothered to show up for his own golf tournament. So unless you’re a diehard baseball purist who enjoys 18-17 pitcher’s duels, you’re pretty much out of luck. Or so they say.

While most folks were forced to watch the Serena and Venus battle in the “women’s” final at Wimbledon or Kyle Busch win another NASCAR race, I was at my local watering hole watching the most exciting sporting event of the weekend, the Ultimate Fighting Championship’s UFC 86 pay-per-view.

So in honor of the octagon, here are eight reasons why folks should tune in and see what they’re missing with the UFC:

1. Joe Rogan – You may remember him from such hits as Fear Factor and News Radio, but Rogan is the color commentator for UFC broadcasts. And much like when he’s at a Carlos Mencia comedy show, Rogan’s not afraid to call people out when he feels it’s warranted.

But don’t think that Joe’s just brought in because he’s a Hollywood name. No, the man knows his stuff. That’s probably because he first started mixed martial arts at the age of 13.

Fun fact: Rogan can probably kick your ass – he’s a brown belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsui.

2. The Octagon Girls – Click this link.

Fun fact: Nuf’ said.

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