photo by Brian Murphy

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the six-annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. So head to Las Vegas and put money on it – this is why your favorite football franchise won’t get it done one this year.

Arizona Cardinals – I don’t care if he bagged groceries for Jesus Christ himself, Kurt Warner will not stay healthy for the entire 2009 season.

Atlanta Falcons – Matt Ryan, Michael Turner and friends snuck up on the league a year ago. You’ve got a better chance of spotting a pair of underwear on one of The Real Housewives of Atlanta than seeing the Falcons surprise the rest of the league a second time.

Baltimore Ravens – Other than The Wire, name something noteworthy to ever come out of Baltimore. And you’re not allowed to say herpes.

Buffalo Bills – The career of Terrell Owens is amazingly easy to break down. All you need is a quality quarterback and T.O., and he’s good for two things – elevating your offense to new heights while simultaneously driving your QB crazy. Buffalo brings an intriguing variable – they don’t have an NFL-caliber quarterback. What happens now?

Carolina Panthers – The last time we saw Jake Delhomme, he completed 22 out of 34 passes he threw. Unfortunately for Carolina, five of those completions were to Arizona defenders. Unfortunately for 2009 Panther fans, Delhomme is still your starting QB.

Chicago Bears – Great idea acquiring Jay Cutler. If only someone in the front office thought to bring in a capable receiver or two to go with him.

Cincinnati Bengals – It can’t be good when Chad Ochocinco has been a better teammate over the last year as a back-up kicker than he ever was as a receiver.

Cleveland Browns – If the Brownies had acquired Mike Vick, folks would have at least tuned in to see what happened the first time he came anywhere near the Dawg Pound.

Dallas Cowboys – Only in Dallas can you build a billion-dollar stadium with an illegal video board.

Denver Broncos – At least Jay Cutler kept things interesting.

Detroit Lions – Detroit Lions, banana peel. Banana peel, Detroit Lions. I know you’ve worked together for years, but I don’t think you’re ever been formally introduced.

Green Bay Packers – Brett Favre.

Houston Texans – Because the good Houston team now plays in Tennessee.

Indianapolis Colts – What has the world come to when Marvin Harrison is waiving a gun around?

Jacksonville Jaguars – Maurice Jones-Drew is a great all-around back, but someone has to give him a breather from time to time. With Fred Taylor (and groin) now in New England, who fills the void?

Kansas City Chiefs – Dear Matt Cassel, Dwayne Bowe and Bobby Engram are not Randy Moss and Wes Welker. But what do you care? You got paid.

Miami Dolphins – Ronnie Brown is fragile. Ricky Williams is high.

Minnesota Vikings – Brett Favre.

New England Patriots – Honestly, what have the Patriots won since they got caught cheating and had to start playing by the same rules as the rest of the league?

New Orleans Saints – Pierre Thomas is New Orleans feature back, and the French aren’t winners.

New York Giants – Eli Manning makes more money than Peyton Manning. Karma alone will keep the Giants from winning it until this egregious foul has been corrected.

New York Jets – Brett Favre.

Oakland Raiders – Because they’re the Raiders.

Philadelphia Eagles – PETA.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Big Ben gets sacked so often, even whores can bring him down.

San Diego Chargers – Last time I checked, Norv Turner was still the head coach. And last time he checked, Turner simply doesn’t win playoff games.

San Francisco 49ers – Wide out Michael Crabtree is holding out because, even though he was picked 10th overall in the NFL draft and Darrius Hayward-Bey was picked seventh, he feels he should make more money than DHB because he was “ranked higher on mock drafts.” Seriously, you can’t make this up.

Seattle Seahawks – Like grunge, Matt Hasselbeck was relevant a decade or so ago.

St. Louis Rams – Chris Long has his father Howie’s ruggedly-handsome looks. So at least he’ll have that going for him when his team is losing by double digits each week.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Luke McCown. Byron Leftwich. Josh Freeman. Josh Johnson. Four roster spots, and not a quarterback in the bunch.

Tennessee Titans – With Albert Haynesworth gone, who will be the man to step up … on a Dallas Cowboys’ face?

Washington Redskins – The downfall of the 2008 Washington Redskins was a substandard offensive line. So naturally, the team spent the offseason adding Albert Haynesworth, Brian Orakpo and DeAngelo Hall to a perennial top 10 defense and largely ignored the offensive line.

Note to self is a weekly sports column written for HoboTrashcan.

(photo by Brian Murphy)

Unless the Orlando Magic can return to the formula that has worked thus far, the Los Angeles Lakers will be capturing yet another NBA championship. And when they do, magically Kobe Bryant will be looked at as a wonderful teammate/person/competitor/etc. because he finally earned a ring without Shaquille O’Neal on the roster. Yawn.

The Detroit Red Wings are set to win their second straight Stanley Cup championship this Friday night, besting the Pittsburgh Penguins for a second-consecutive season. They’ve been the better team all season long and throughout this series, but the league needed the Finals to go seven games in hopes of capitalizing on a wonderfully exciting season. Whatever.

I’d mention baseball, but honestly it’s the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox again. Been there. Done that. Unless the Washington Nationals can set the record for most losses in a single season, there’s not much worth watching this year.

But that doesn’t mean all hope is lost in the world of professional sports. No, not by a long shot. In just over a week all the major names will return to the scene of one of the most exciting events of 2008. That’s right, Tiger Woods and friends are set to return to the U.S. Open and you’d be a fool to miss out on the action.

For those who need a refresher, last year’s U.S. Open was straight out of a movie. For starters, Woods was grouped with Phil Mickelson and Adam Scott meaning the top three golfers in the world were all basically facing off head-to-head. And although the biggest names in the sport were the focus coming into the Open, it was Rocco Mediate who came from nowhere to challenge Tiger. While Mickelson and Scott faded, Mediate continued to turn up the heat on Woods, who was clearly not 100 percent.

Trailing by one stroke on the final hole, Woods drained a 12-foot putt for birdie to force an 18-hole playoff with Rocco. A one-legged Tiger went on to win the U.S. Open, his 14th major championship of his career, but that would be his final act of 2008. Two days later he had surgery on his left knee and that was that for Woods.

Eight long months later Tiger returned to action and since that time we’ve seen a new side of Woods. It used to be that Woods was simply better than everyone else and when he’s on there’s no use for anyone else to show up. But if Tiger wasn’t playing his best golf … well … that’s when the rest of the field had a chance to take home a trophy. Well, since his return, Tiger has two wins – the Arnold Palmer Invitational and the Memorial Tournament. In both instances Woods headed into the final day of the tournament trailing and yet battled back to claim victory.

At the Arnold Palmer (which is also a delicious beverage, by the way), Woods trailed Sean O’Hair by five strokes heading into the final day. Tiger shot a final round 67 and made a 16-foot birdie putt on the final hole to defeat O’Hair by one stroke.

At the Memorial, Woods found himself in a similar situation, trailing by four shots after three rounds. This time he shot a 65 in the final round, including two consecutive birdies to end the tournament as he continues to rewrite the story on Tiger Woods.

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Note to self is a weekly sports column written for HoboTrashcan.

(courtesy photo)

While there is much to like about the summer (long days, better weather and the prospect of exotic vacations) there is one obvious drawback to this time of year – there’s never anything worth watching on TV.

Because the networks conspire to force folks outside to be productive or some such nonsense (those bastards), we’re stuck with reruns and reality crap that I wouldn’t force my enemies to suffer through.

The reason I bring this up in a sports column is because this is where things currently stand for the NHL playoffs. After a wonderfully exciting season and an even better Stanley Cup playoffs, we’re now left with the one finals matchup no one wants – the Detroit Red Rings versus the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Nothing against these two obviously talented teams, but this wasn’t exactly the greatest series in the history of hockey when these same two teams faced off a year ago. Let’s be honest here – no one outside of those two cities is jazzed at the prospect of a repeat, and yet, that’s where we are. The only story line even remotely different from last year to now is Red Wings forward Marian Hossa, who left Pittsburgh during this past offseason to get paid in Detroit.

But really, is that enough to get casual sports fans to tune in? Uh … no. And really, it’s probably not enough to even get hockey fans (outside of Detroit and Pittsburgh) to watch more than the highlights, which is too bad. Like I said, this season has been a renaissance campaign for the NHL. It’s too bad this is how things played out.

Conversely, the NBA is firing on all cylinders these days. After a so-so season in which everyone assumed it was a forgone conclusion that the L.A. Lakers and Cleveland Cavaliers were a lock for the finals, things haven’t gone exactly according to plan.

When they’re not battling the WWE, the Denver Nuggets are actually fairing better than to be expected against Kobe Bryant and friends. Ever since Chauncey Billups came to town, the Nuggets have turned into a bona fide team. No longer are Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson seeing who can jack up 30 shots a game first. Instead, everyone now has a defined role and (for the most part), they’re able to remember that working together is much easier than five individuals all looking out for themselves.

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Note to self is a weekly sports column written for HoboTrashcan.

(courtesy photo)

In technical terms, yesterday sucked balls.

Any D.C. sports fan knows exactly where I’m coming from, but for the benefit of the rest of the class, here’s a recap of the series of nut shots that’s given us more than enough reason to put a bag of frozen vegetables on our collective beanbag as we attempt to recover from a painful Wednesday.

For starters, the one team that consistently wins in this town, the Washington Capitals, was not able to get the job done with their season on the line. And while losing is almost inevitable in team sports, doing so to your most hated rival on a national stage makes it a whole lot tougher to deal with.

“They were more composed with the puck, and the other thing they did and the reason they won the game is because they outworked us,” said forward Brooks Laich after the Caps’ 6-2 loss to the Pittsburgh Penguins. “It’s not easy to stand in front of you guys and say that we’ve been outworked in our building in a game seven. I’m sure that’s something we’re going to have to think about for a long time.”

Sadly, there is no truth to the rumor that due to a scheduling conflict involving a Yanni concert, the Capitals’ offense was thrown off a day and is actually arriving in town tonight for a pivotal game seven. I guess we’ll have to wait five months to see how the Capitals respond to this bit of adversity.

And right around the same time that the Caps were imploding, the one reason to care about the Nationals was suffering a similar fate. You see, the Nats were kind enough to start the season 1-10, letting the rest of the country know “there’s nothing to see here” and to move along for another season or two until the Nationals get some pitching and additional depth.

Well, the one reason folks outside of the beltway actually acknowledge this current team is Ryan Zimmerman, the third baseman who saw his 30-game hitting streak come to an end last night just as folks were beginning to take notice.

Sure, the Nats at 11-21 are still the worst team in baseball. But Zimmerman matched George Brett’s 30-game streak in 1980 for the longest by a third baseman since Pete Rose’s 44-game streak in 1978.

“He put us on the map a little bit with what he did,” said Nationals manager Manny Acta, who has apparently mastered the art of the understatement.

And the icing on the cake comes courtesy of the Redskins, who, thankfully, did not have a game yesterday and therefore did not find a way to fall apart in the fourth quarter against the Cincinnati Bengals, San Francisco 49ers or an equally inferior opponent.

Click here for the full article.

Note to self is a weekly sports column written for HoboTrashcan.

(AP photo)

This past weekend, Washington Nationals outfielder Elijah Dukes was fined $500 and benched for being late to a game against the Florida Marlins.

Nats acting general manager Mike Rizzo and (acting) manager Manny Acta opted to fine and bench Dukes because the controversial outfielder was late and his excuse was not a team-sponsored event. They even went as far as to warn Dukes that if he was tardy again, he could be demoted to the minor leagues. Sounds great, right? The team should be applauded for trying to instill discipline and accountability to a young and immature lineup, right? In the words of the immortal poet Lee Corso, “Not so fast, sweetheart.”

Dukes was running behind because he was speaking with the Great Falls Little League in Northern Virginia. After addressing the kids, he stuck around to sign autographs and watch a parade of little leaguers, so he got to the ballpark a few minutes later than he intended. He didn’t miss the start of the game, he simply arrived late for warm ups, stretching, etc.

“We are going to change the culture here, regardless of how well a guy is playing,” said Acta. And why wouldn’t he? I mean, what kind of message does it send when a player goes out and gives back to the local community? The Nationals have gone out of their way to alienate the local fanbase since the moment they arrived in town and here’s this jerkwad trying to do his own thing. This kind of insubordination simply cannot and will not be tolerated. Clearly this is grounds for waterboarding.

When the idea of a professional baseball team relocating to our nation’s capital was first broached, I was all for it. In my lifetime your choices were to either cheer for the Baltimore Orioles, who were a great option until Peter “Satan” Angelos came into the picture, or don’t watch baseball. Sure, bandwagon fans could jump on the Yankees, Red Sox or Cubs because that’s what trendy people do, but that wasn’t really my thing. So I stuck with the Washington Redskins, Capitals and Bullets.

But then Major League Baseball, even in spite of Angelos’ protests, brought baseball into the fold. Before the start of the 2005 season, the Montreal Expos relocated to Washington D.C. and became the Nationals. A new generation was ready to whole-heartedly embrace the national pastime. Or at least that was the plan.

Click here for the full article.

Note to self is a weekly sports column written for HoboTrashcan.

(courtesy photo)

With the NHL playoffs just a week away, I wanted to take a moment and share with the class 10 reasons why I love hockey.

10. The Stanley Cup

This hardware, which has been around since 1892, is the oldest professional sports trophy in American sports. Named after Lord Stanley, who was kind enough to donate the Cup, the trophy lists the name of every player and coach to ever win it. The best part is – there are actually several engraving errors on the Stanley Cup. How’d you like to earn the trophy only to learn you’re mistakenly listed as “Ted Kennedyy” on hockey’s holy grail?

Montreal goalie Jacques Plante takes the cake though. The Canadiens won six championships during his career and his name is spelled differently on the Cup five times. He’s listed as J. Plante, Jacques Plante, Jac Plante, Jacq Plante, and Jaques Plante. Don’t you think after the second typo he would have volunteered to be present when his name was engraved?

A couple of other random notes: Back in 1905, the Cup was punted into the Rideau Canal, which luckily was frozen at the time. The trophy was then forgotten and, thankfully, retrieved the next morning when everyone sobered up.

The Cup was actually abandoned and left in a studio where it served as a flower pot for months before someone realized what had happened and retrieved it. Alcohol was likely involved.

The Stanley Cup was stolen from the Hockey Hall of Fame twice within a five-year span in the late 60’s. No word on if it was taken by the same person or not or if alcohol factored in the crime.

9. Legend of the Octopus

Back in the day, when there were less teams and therefore less games to play in the postseason, all it took was eight wins to capture Lord Stanley’s Cup. With that in mind, a couple of brothers decided to throw an octopus onto the ice at a Red Wings game way back in 1952. Detroit went on to win eight-straight games and the rest is history.

8. Game-day experience

Whenever I talk to a new hockey fan, the conversation inevitably ends up in the same area – for whatever reason, hockey just doesn’t translate well to TV. Diehards have no problems tuning into a high definition broadcast, but casual sports fans have a hard time keeping up and ultimately end up flipping the channel. While the league office might stay up late at night trying to find a solution to this problem, I actually think it’s a blessing in disguise. Hockey isn’t for everyone. Bandwagon fans are best served riding LeBron’s jock or buying yet another fitted Yankees cap.

But those folks who attend their first hockey game – especially those who grew up in places that never had snow or ice – end up falling in love with the game. Guys like Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell and cornerback Fred Smoot, who both came from the hockey-hotbed of Mississippi, took in one game and we’re hooked. It’s like a real-life fight club. Much of the world has no clue it exists, but those in the know gladly keep the secret.

7. Dropping the gloves

Did I just say “fight club?” Yet another reason hockey is awesome is the sheer fact that these guys gladly police themselves. If someone gets out of line and takes certain liberties against your teammate, then you drop the gloves and teach that bastard a lesson. Basketball players look downright embarrassing when they try to throw down (it’s almost always a gangly, awkward slap fight) and football players end up grabbing each other’s facemask or spitting in an opponent’s face. Not in hockey. You cross the line, you can guarantee someone’s going to make you pay.

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Note to self is a weekly sports column written for HoboTrashcan.

(photo by Brian Murphy)

It’s no secret that quarterback is the most glamorous position in professional sports. Regardless of whether we’re talking about in the movies or in real life the story remains the same – the job comes with great responsibility, but successful signal callers get the girl and the big payday. That being said, how’d you like to be Jason Campbell this week?

Coming off his first full season as a starter, the Washington Redskins quarterback suddenly finds himself in the unenviable position of “where will I be this time next week?” Remember, this is a guy who eight games through the 2008 season was being championed by guys like Peter King as a possible NFL most valuable player candidate. Now, because his employer cannot help but fall in love with big-name star appeal, he very well might be house hunting in the very near future.

As everyone knows by now, Jay Cutler is on his way out of Denver. The Broncos, led by first-year head coach Josh McDaniels, thought they had a chance to acquire Matt Cassel from New England and made a play for him. For whatever reason, it didn’t work out and Cassel ended up in Kansas City. More times than not the general public never knows when trade talks like this take place, but Denver’s flirtation with Cassel backfired and alienated Cutler.

After earning a trip to the Pro Bowl and throwing for more than 4,500 yards and 25 touchdowns, Cutler felt disrespected that the Broncos would even consider life without him. Because Denver even contemplated the move, Cutler is now hell bent on making it a reality, allegedly refusing to return phone calls when the owner and/or head coach tried to reach him.

Which brings us back to Campbell. Wednesday should have been a low-key day off for the four-year veteran. He spent the day at a charity event and the evening with his girlfriend and teammate Renaldo Wynn taking in the Capitals hockey game against the New York Islanders. But during the course of the game, rumors were flying that the ‘Skins were very much involved in the Cutler sweepstakes and by the time the Caps secured the 5-3 win, ESPN was reporting that the Redskins were shopping Campbell for a second-round pick in the upcoming NFL draft in hopes of gaining more ammunition for a Cutler deal.

”I want to be here, I feel like there’s a lot I want to accomplish and that’s what I’ve been working to do, but you know it’s not in your control,” Campbell told the Washington Post yesterday. ”All I can do is just keep doing what I’m doing, working hard and waiting to see what happens.’

Campbell went on to say, “with all the stuff out there, you know crazy stuff happens in this league. You just have to be ready for anything.”

The most telling comment from Campbell came next.

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Note to self is a weekly sports column written for HoboTrashcan.