Ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time again. With the preseason nearly complete, it’s time for the fifth annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. Book a flight to Las Vegas immediately and bet the farm – this is why your favorite football franchise won’t get it done this year.
Arizona Cardinals – Matt Leinart can’t beat out Kurt Warner. Kurt Warner can’t beat anyone but Matt Leinart.
Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons named rookie quarterback Matt Ryan their starter, guaranteeing no more than five wins in 2008. Sadly, that would be an improvement over last year’s four-win effort. I’d say more, but I don’t want to sound like I’m picking on the autistic kid.
Baltimore Ravens – Is Kyle Boller still on the Ravens? Nuff’ said.
Buffalo Bills – Oh how tortured Bills fans long for the days of choking in the Super Bowl. Buffalo is going to be so disappointing this season that they’re openly trying to deport themselves to Canada.
Carolina Panthers – Nevermind wide out Steve Smith sucker-punching teammates during practice – how do you expect me to take your franchise seriously when you draft Jon Stewart to play running back?
Chicago Bears – Talk to me when Devin Hester learns to play quarterback too.
Cincinnati Bengals – Other than collect convicted felons, what exactly have the Cincinnati Bengals done well since head coach Marvin Lewis came to town?
Cleveland Browns – Because they’re the Browns.
Dallas Cowboys – Terrell Owens. Pacman Jones. Tank Johnson. It’s nothing short of hysterical that on a team full of assholes and screw-ups the biggest name keeping them from winning a playoff game is Jessica Simpson.
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